Friday Feedback – Leprechaun

I decided to do one last Friday Feedback before I take a break to work on my WIP.

Today’s Friday Feedback comes from Kristyn. It’s from a piece called Leprechaun for readers aged 14 to 18, and this excerpt is from Chapter 2.

Kristyn’s questions is, “I want to know if this is interesting and if I am repeating the same mistakes over and over.”

KRISTYN’S PIECE

“So if I am a leprechaun, what does this mean? Do I sit by a rainbow and guard gold, or what?” I asked Mom.

She laughed at me as if I said something funny, I don’t see any humor in this situation at all.

“What is so funny? I just found out my family has lied to me since birth and that I am some mythological creature, why are you laughing about me asking about the rainbow and a pot of gold. Is that not what you always hear about when dealing with leprechauns, rainbows and gold? I mean we studied leprechauns in school every March, they are little green, oh crap am I going to turn green too?” That is right I officially hit stage freak out.

MY FEEDBACK

Kristyn, I love the humour in this piece and your original idea for a story.

It seems to me also that you have good instincts as a writer as you have expressed concern that there may be some repetition with this piece.  I tend to agree with you. And I think you can tighten it up and avoid repetition just by doing something like this:

“So if I am a leprechaun, what does this mean? Do I sit by a rainbow and guard gold, or what?” I asked Mom.

She laughed. (Don’t think you need to say any more than this, Kristyn)

“What’s so funny?” (This shows that your main character doesn’t understand the humour in the situation). I just found out my family has lied to me since birth and that I am some green mythological creature. Oh crap does that mean I’m going to turn green too?”  I officially hit stage freak out.

I like the voice of your character, Kristyn, My only other concern was whether this book might actually be more mid-grade than YA. The character should usually be a bit older than the target readers. So if your character is 14 or 15, then this would generally be for an 11 to 13 or 14 year old readership.

I hope you find these comments helpful, Kristyn. Kristyn (And Zac who provided last week’s Friday Feedback( are both looking for writing buddies. You can find their details in the comments section of this post.

This is definitely the last Friday Feedback  for a couple of months.

I’m taking a break so that I can finish my work in progress.

But please feel free to keep sending your pieces for feedback and I will slot them into the queue.  You can email your 150 word pieces to me. Dee*at*deescribe*dot*com*dot*au

Please include the word length, title, genre and target readership for your story. Also include where the piece comes in your story and any specific questions you have about writing it.

Happy writing:)

Dee

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One thought on “Friday Feedback – Leprechaun

  1. Hi Dee and Kristyn!
    Kristyn, what a fantastic idea for a book. And it’s funny.
    I agreed with Dee about how it could be quite a bit tighter. Also the tense slipped a few times from past to present.
    This sounded middle-grade to me, but I realise it’s just a little excerpt.
    You have a strong voice and hope I read the book one day soon!
    Alison

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