FRIDAY FEEDBACK – Fighting For My Sister

Thanks to Erin Clancy for providing today’s piece from her adult novel, Fighting for my sister

 “Listen carefully,” He said, “This won’t be easy for you to hear.”

It was three in the morning when I was woken up by a violent knock on my door. I dragged myself out of bed, having a gut feeling that something was wrong. I opened the door to find a police officer standing in front of me. “May I come in?” he asked.

I backed up, allowing him into my home. The house was eerily silent, as if setting a mood for the situation.

The officer motioned towards my couch, suggesting I sit down. As I sat, the man spoke. “Listen carefully,” he said, no emotion in his voice. “This won’t be easy for you to hear.”

He continued on, telling me that there had been an accident and my sister was killed. The news hit me like a rock. I put my head in my hands, trying to keep myself from breaking down.

Erin, you hook the reader in well by getting straight to the action and giving the reader plenty of questions that they will want answered so they will keep reading. You also do a good job of setting up where this piece is going.

In the first paragraph, I’m not sure you need the sentence, “having a gut feeling that something was wrong” because the violent knocking on the door at 3.00am already tells the reader that.

Where the officer motions towards the couch that’s an indication to sit so I don’t think you need ‘suggesting I sit down’.

This is good, but I think I’d like to see more body language from the officer when he is telling her the news.

I also would have liked to see the dialogue when he told her about the accident. What kind of accident was it? How did she die? Was it at the scene or later? I think you could develop this part more.

You have some really strong writing in this piece and I love the way you use similes like  ‘the news hit me like a rock’.

The title, “Fighting for my Sister” is intriguing, particularly as the reader is told straight away that she is dead, so this hints at a possible paranormal element. I would keep reading to find out what happens next.

I hope you find my suggestions helpful.

Happy Writing:)

Dee

P.S. There will be no Friday Feedback next week as we’ll be holding our Find a Writing/Crit buddy event. 

If you’d like your 150 piece critiqued at Friday Feedback, please email to Dee*at*Deescribe*dot*com*dot*au 

Please include genre, target readership and approximate word count for the finished book.

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