FRIDAY FEEDBACK – BULLROARER

Thanks to author, Ian Trevaskis for providing today’s piece for our Friday Feedback.

Last week we had a great discussion about the Friday Feedback piece submitted by Tania McCartney, so feel free to chime in with your comments at the end of any of the Friday Feedback posts including this one.

Your comments don’t have to agree with mine:) This segment is all about providing different perspectives and feedback and thought provoking discussion to help writers submitting their work to the segment, and readers of this blog.

As we all know, there are no hard and fast rules about writing. Everyone has different ways of doing things and it’s a case of deciding what works for you.

BULLROARER

The boys were led away from the campsite and through the trees. Each one had been marked with his totem and his body patterned with white ochre and clay. As he marched behind his protectors Warra-warra could hear the mournful sound of the sacred bullroarer, the turndum, growing louder and when he stepped into the clearing where the ceremony was to take place he could see the initiation tools laid out on a flat piece of bark. They gleamed dully in the firelight. Warra-warra took a deep breath and stood tall as one of the Elders, a man with a bushy white beard and his own scars of manhood, chose a sharpened stone and turned to face the initiates.

The Elder raised the stone to the stars and sang a deep and sombre song to the sky spirit while the men adorned with the sacred markings and Eagle’s feathers shuffled and danced around the boys.

excerpt from Bullroarer by Ian Trevaskis

MY FEEDBACK

This is a well written piece and an intriguing story, Ian and you set the scene well.

I think there’s opportunity however, to give the reader more to draw them further into the scene and your main character. I wanted to know how old Warra-warra was, and I think there are opportunities to do this when you talk about the initiation ceremony. Do all tribes intiate their boys into manhood at the same time? If so, at what age? How does Warra-warra feel about this? Is it something he has looked forward to for a while or does he fear it?

I also found the ‘led away’ (which indicates passiveness and not voluntary) contradicted later on when you said he marched behind his protectors.

I’m wondering if you could start this story with more of a hook and filter the details of the ceremony into the story as they relate to the action. For instance, what if you started with Warra-warra being initiated and make him the focus of the story right from the start?

Here’s an example:

Warra-warra tried not to quiver as he faced the Elder, a man with a bushy white beard and his own scars of manhood. Warra-warra’s mouth trembled as the Elder raised the sharpened stone.

He sang a deep and sombre song to the sky spirit while the men adorned with the sacred markings and Eagle’s feathers shuffled and danced around Warra-warra and the other boys.

This would automatically increase the tension as the reader wonders what’s going to happen to Warra-warra, and would draw the reader closer to him.

It would also give you the opportunity to show what’s going on in Warra-warra’s head as this is happening. If he’s afraid, you might show him shivering. If he’s excited, you might show him shifting from one foot to the other.

Or if you want to use more setting detail to start with, you could do something like this:

The mournful sound of the sacred bullroarer, the turndum, gripped Warra-warra as he stepped into the clearing where the ceremony was to take place. He shuddered as his eyes were drawn to the initiation tools laid out on a flat piece of bark.

This might not be how your character is really feeling in your story, but I have tried to use these as  examples of how you can make your setting more active, and show how your character feels at the same time.

Try and use your setting as part of an action sequence, not just setting detail on its own.

As he marched behind his protectors Warra-warra could hear the mournful sound of the sacred bullroarer, the turndum, growing louder and when he stepped into the clearing where the ceremony was to take place he could see the initiation tools laid out on a flat piece of bark.

You’re telling us what he can hear and see, but I don’t know how he feels about all this. Isn’t an initiation ceremony one of the most important events in a young man’s life? I think there’s room for action and reaction and more detail with relevance to the story.

For example, what kind of tools are they? Do they frighten him? Does he squirm? Does he fidget? I didn’t get a sense of how Warra-warra is feeling about his initiation. Is he afraid, excited?

Readers engage with characters more if they can relate on a deeper level – if they can feel what the character is feeling.

As I said, this is a well written piece Ian, but by making the setting and action work together and making Warra-warra the focus right from the start, I think readers will engage with your character and your story more.

I hope you have found this helpful.

If anyone else has some constructive suggestions to make about Ian’s piece of writing, please leave your feedback in the comments section of this post.

If you’d like to submit 150 words for Friday Feedback, please email it to Dee*at*Deescribe*dot*com*au 

Happy Writing:)

Dee

*    *    *    Discover Dee’s Affordable Manuscript Feedback and Online Writing Classes    *    *    *

LOOKING BACK – USING FLASHBACKS IN NOVELS

I used to think that flashbacks were boring. They took me out of the story and sometimes I couldn’t work out why they were there.

Lately I’ve realised that the reason I felt this about those flashbacks is probably that they weren’t very well done. But particularly with suspense and thrillers, flashbacks have a definite place in fiction.

I’m currently reading Love You More, a thriller by Lisa Gardner. It’s a great read and I think that one of the things that has hooked me into this book is that the reader knows more than the main character and this is all done through flashbacks and POV changes.

In the story, state police trooper, Tessa Leoni claims to have shot her husband in self-defence.

For Boston detective, D.D. Warren, it should be an open-and-shut case. But where is their six-year-old-daughter?

Part of the tension is created by the fact that I as the reader, know some of the facts about the case that the person investigating it doesn’t, and I’m wondering when she’s going to find out…and if she’s going to find out before it’s too late to save the little girl.

I’ve been reading thrillers for a while, but I’m really taking a good look at how they’re constructed at the moment because I’m in the middle of rewriting one of my own, and one of the things I’ve realised is that my plot is too linear and that by drip feeding the reader information through what the main character discovers, I’m losing some of the tension. I need to use flashbacks to give the reader more.

As Nancy Kress mentions in an article for Writer’s Digest,  3 Tips for Writing Successful Flashbacks, flashbacks if done well can

1.            Make a character’s motives plausible

2.            Fill in events

3.            Present crucial information in a way that doesn’t involve an info dump.

I’m currently working on my thriller, The Secret Life of Mindy Palmer which I wrote for my May Gibbs Fellowship in 2010. My goal for 2012 is to have this book polished to an irresistible sheen by the end of the year. (Wish me luck:)

In The Secret Life of Mindy Palmer, you know from the first page that Mindy is dead and that the book is going to be about Lia Palmer trying to find her sister’s killer. I’m toying with the idea of bringing Mindy back to life, not in a literal sense, but through flashbacks where things that happened in the past start to make sense to Lia as the facts unfold. There may be some flashbacks that just involve Mindy.

I think this will give the reader more insight into Mindy and why she did the things she did, and it’s going to allow me to present the reader with new information that the reader will know, but Lia won’t. Lia will need to discover this information in order to find the killer and save her own life.

Do you use flashbacks in your writing? I’d love to hear your tips on why they work or don’t work for you as a reader and a writer. Feel free to leave your comments at the end of this post.

Happy Writing

Dee

P.S. Don’t forget Friday Feedback here at this blog where we provide constructive feedback on your piece of writing. If you have 150 words of a novel that you’d like feedback on, send it to Dee*at*Deescribe*dot*com*dot*au

FRIDAY FEEDBACK – HOW TO BE EIGHT

This week we thank wonderful author and ACT State Ambassador for the National Year of Reading, Tania McCartney, who has kindly agreed to share a piece of her Work in Progress with us.

How to Be Eight by Tania McCartney

Wake at 5am.

Wake in a really fantastic mood even though you’ve had only four hours sleep because mum and dad threw a wild party in the back yard last night and they’re now in bed with their faces smooshed into the pillows, snoring like elephants. You know because you go in and check on them. Poke Dad’s face with your finger. He doesn’t move. Push the tip of your finger into his nose. He snorts. Bend down and pick up one of his stinky socks and hold it under his nose so it twitches and he starts to wriggle. Mum stirs. Skulk really quickly out of the room.

It’s still dark. Rummage around in the kitchen until you find the torch. Turn it on. Go to the hall mirror, stick the torch in your mouth and puff out your cheeks. Human face lamp. Use torch to ferret for crinkly packets in the pantry. Turn in horror as Big Sister appears in the darkness. Big Sister threatens to dob.

Run screaming into bedroom where snoring elephants turn into trumpeting elephants.

Time: 5.10am. Bad start to the new year.

Tania, I love the voice of your character. It’s very strong and his laconic humour comes across very well. It has a kind of Wimpy Kid feel to it.

If your character is eight, I was wondering if his voice sounded a bit old in parts like when he ‘rummages’ for his torch. I’m going to address this more in the comments on the title of the book.

I love the image of the human face lamp. It’s very vivid and very funny.

POINT OF VIEW

Things to think about.

Using ‘second person’ point of view talks to the reader, but makes it harder to get close to your character. Am wondering if this might be hard to sustain over a novel length piece. It also gives the impression that you are giving the reader a ‘lesson on how to do something’ rather than telling a story.

This point of view adds to the tension but it can also make it difficult to vary the pacing. I’m not saying you shouldn’t use it, just suggesting you keep these factors in mind.

HOOKING THE READER IN

While the strength of your character’s voice provides a great hook, the story actually starts off with quite a bit of information. You might want to think about a couple of things here. Is it relevant to tell the reader that the parents had a party last night? Is this necessary to the story. Is that fact going to hook a reader in?

I don’t think you need to say that your character knows what his parents looked like sleeping because he checked on them. The reader will know that he must have seen them to describe what they look like.

I’m wondering if you could start with something like:

It’s 5am and you’re standing in your boxers in parent’s room. Push the tip of your finger up Dad’s  nose . He stops snoring like an elephant and snorts. Bend down and pick up one of his stinky socks and hold it under his nose so it twitches and he starts to wriggle.

Also, the other question I had about the start was I wanted to know why your character was doing this to Dad. Was it to stop him snoring, revenge for keeping him awake, some other reason? Otherwise it just seems like a random act. I’m wondering if most eight year old kids would just head to the pantry.

So if the scene with Dad doesn’t have relevance to the story, then you could go straight to the pantry scene. On the other hand, if you wish to keep this scene (and it is funny) then you need to show its relevance in the story – perhaps it was Dad’s snoring that woke him up. If there’s no reason, it seems unlikely that kid would risk waking parents when his real goal seems to be the pantry and food.

‘Big Sister threatens to dob’ is an example of where this kind of point of view tends to lead you into telling rather than showing. If you had dialogue here, For example, “I’m telling on you Bob, you thieving little rat,” this tells you that the main character is a boy and tells you something about his sister and their relationship.

Even though the voice is strong, you still need to make it clear to the reader at the start, the age and gender of the main character. Using their name is one way of getting this kind of information across.

THE TITLE

How to Be Eight is a great title, but as I said earlier, I feel like the voice of the main character sounds a bit older than eight.

Also you mentioned to me that this book is written for readers aged 7-11. Readers generally like to read about kids a bit older than they are, so 10 or 11 year olds might be put off by an eight year old main character. (And I’m making an assumption here that this is where the title comes from). Seeing as your main character’s voice does sound older I’m wondering if you might consider changing the title to something like, ‘How to Be Ten’.

I really love the voice and the humour in this piece, and there’s loads of potential for a great fun story.

I hope you find these comments helpful.

Happy Writing:)

Dee

If you have constructive suggestions for Tania, please feel free to leave them in the comments section of this post.

If you’d like feedback on 150 words of your Work in Progress, email them to Dee*at*Deescribe*dot*com

Please also include the genre, age of readership and final estimated word count. 

TRANSFER STUDENT – COVER REVEAL & GIVEAWAY

My US writerly friend, Laura Elliott is giving us a sneak peak at her fantastic new YA sci fi, TRANSFER STUDENT.

TWO WORLDS. TWO TEENS. ONE WISH.
TRANSFER STUDENT is a science fiction Freaky-Friday romance/adventure about two normal teenagers struggling to survive high school and deal with their parents… typical rites of passage.

The twist? One teen is an alien from the planet Retha.

In a galactic teleporting experiment gone wrong, Ashley, a Beverly Hills High surfing fashionista, and Rhoe, the biggest geek on planet Retha, swap lives. Only by surviving life as their biggest nightmare do Ashley & Rhoe discover their dreams. How far would you go for someone you love?

WIN TRANSFER STUDENT BOOKMARKS SIGNED BY AUTHOR LAURA A. H. ELLIOTT!
To enter to win all you need to do is tweet this & follow Laurasmagicday:

Nothing says #ValentinesDay like an alien #romance! TRANSFER STUDENT Cover Reveal! #TransferStudent #teenreads #kindle http://laurasmagicday.wordpress.com/
The first 100 tweets/followers win!

TRANSFER STUDENT BLOG TOUR: LEAP DAY, 2012 – MARCH 20th
AND STOPS HERE [13th March, 2012]!

Giveaways include free ebooks of TRANSFER STUDENT, Amazon gift cards & weekly surprise gifts that are out of this world!

TRANSFER STUDENT RELEASE DAY: MARCH 20th 

TUESDAY WRITING TIPS – FIXING THE HOLES

The lure of gold can affect our objectivity

Last Wednesday, my goat, Molly got her head stuck in the fence…not once, not twice but three times. It’s not something she normally does, but she was lured by the bright yellow flowers on the other side of the fence.  She had to have them no matter what – her immediate goal got in the way of her common sense.

I sometimes think that this is what happens with writers yearning to get their work published. We are so focussed on the ultimate goal that we can’t be objective about our work – can’t deviate from what we are doing even though there may be a better way.

Molly getting her head stuck in the fence repeatedly also made me think about the fact that making the same mistakes over and over again (and not learning from them) is something that can hold our writing back. So how do we stop ourselves from doing this?

Here’s what I do:

I make a list of all the things I need to watch out for in my next draft.

1. Are my characters interacting with the setting or have I just put description in?
2. Have I made my plot too complicated?
3. Have I developed my characters enough?
4. Have I given my supporting characters different motives and focus?
5. Have I used repetitive language?
6. Has my character grown and changed during the course of the story?

Molly with her rebuilt fence. Unfortunately, fixing holes in manuscripts isn't so easy.

Although I ended up with blisters and was physically tired from fixing Molly’s fence, it didn’t take a great deal of brainpower to solve the problem. All I had to do was attach finer mesh to the existing fence and use fasteners to keep it in place.

FIXING HOLES IN MANUSCRIPTS

As I twisted and attached the wire, I thought about how fixing fences is much easier than fixing holes in manuscripts.

For starters, holes in manuscripts are much harder to identify. Here’s how I identify mine.

1.    Do a scene map identifying

• Which characters are in each scene
• The purpose of each scene
• What my main character’s motivation in each scene is
• Conflict in each scene
• Whether the scene moves the story forward in the direction I want it to

2.      Once I have my scene map I compare it to my plot diagram and see where the scenes match up, and if it’s where they should.

3.      I look at turning points, the climax of the story and whether the resolution is strong enough.

4.      I look at whether I have left the appropriate clues for the reader – will they be hooked into the story all the way through?

In much the same way as the fence rebuilding, I hope to identify the holes and fill the gaps.

How do you identify holes in your story? I’d love you to share your techniques and experiences in the comments section of this post.

Happy Writing

Dee

P.S. Don’t forget to check back here for Friday Feedback and if you’d like to submit 150 words for feedback, email me Dee*at*DeeScribe*dot*com*dot*au

FRIDAY FEEDBACK – The Octopus ODDyssey

Today’s writing snippet is kindly provided by my good writing friend, Sheryl Gwyther. Sheryl is the author of Secrets of Eromanga, Princess Clown and Charlie and the Red Hot Chilli Pepper.

Here’s an excerpt from Sheryl’s work in progress, The Octopus ODDyssey.

I have an excellent reason to hide from Bufo Bentley. It began with a dirt-spraying wheelie on my bike and a bagful of textbooks on my back. Over I flipped, but the bike kept going, right into Bufo’s new Avanti Mountain Bike.

He wouldn’t have noticed the scratch on its frame except I wasn’t alone in the school bike shed. The word went out … Bentley’s gonna get Danny O’Leary.

It meant I can’t hang out in the Dirty Duck Café on Friday nights – it’s enemy territory since Bufo and his mates (a.k.a. the Toad Gang) took it over. Instead, I tramp with Finn, Ant, and Leah, deeper into the shadows of Brownie’s Swamp.

‘We’ll miss out on the Dirty Duck’s half-price milkshakes.’ Ant slaps the air around his ears. ‘Plus I’m getting eaten alive.’

‘Serves you right for not using mozzie repellent.’ Leah’s torch flickers into the dense paperbark forest at the side of the track. ‘Let me concentrate or we’ll end up lost.’

Sheryl, I love your opening line. It sets up your story problem and you just know that your main character is going clash with Bufo. It also creates tension right from the start and makes the reader want to keep reading.

But then the tension dissipates because you give the reason for the conflict straight away and it’s told not shown. I’m wondering if the reason for the animosity can be fed into the story as it progresses. Perhaps Bufo sends him a bill for the bike and he can’t afford to pay it.

Explaining what his excellent reason is also drags you back into past tense, which slows the pacing down. It also means that in the third paragraph you have conflicting tenses “it meant” and  ”I tramp”.

The swamp is a great scene and the tension picks up again here.  if this were my story I would probably go straight to the swamp. Here’s what I mean.

I have an excellent reason to hide from Bufo Bentley, which is why I’m tramping deeper into the shadows of Brownie’s Swamp instead of enjoying the half price milks shakes at Dirty Ducks.

Another thing you might want to look at is word repetition. In the second paragraph, you mention the word, ‘bike’ three times. If you did want keep this paragraph here, you might want to think about expanding your descriptions more and this will allow your reader to picture what’s going on, enable you to choose alternative words, and reveal things about your character.

Here’s an example:

I was doing wheelies when my backpack full of last week’s homework slipped to one side and unbalanced me. I lost control and hit the dirt but my wheels kept going.  My bike skidded into Bufo’s brand new Avanti and it toppled to the ground, its spokes creased and a scrape the size of a fifty cent piece on its shiny black frame.

Thanks for sharing this piece with us, Sheryl. I can’t wait to hear what happens to Danny in the swamp, and more about his conflict with Bufo and whether he stops hiding.

I hope you found this feedback helpful. If you have any constructive suggestions about Sheryl’s piece, feel free to leave them in the comments section of this post.

If you’d like feedback on your 150 words, send it to FridayFeedback*at*Deescribe*dot*com*dot*au

Happy writing:)

Dee

WRITING IS MORE THAN JUST WORDS

I decided that one of my major goals for this year was to try and learn more about writing – to hone my skills.

Sure, that means practising my writing, but it also involves thinking about the way I write.

After last week’s Friday Feedback on this blog, I was reminded by writer Dimity Powell about the importance of thinking for a writer.

At least 50% of my writing time is not about putting words on a computer or paper, it’s about thinking – thinking about the way I’m writing – thinking about my story.

This involves thinking about all sorts of things like

• taking the time to get to know my characters
• working out how to get my characters from one place to another
• increasing the tension by working out story clues for the reader that my character won’t know about
• thinking about the shape and pacing of my story and whether I’ve allowed enough beats
• how to immerse my reader in the setting
• any logic problems with the plot
• what’s going to happen next and how is will my main character react
• what kind of ending am I working towards
• how is my character thinking and feeling in the scene I am writing
• what are my character’s motivations in the scene I am writing
• what is the purpose of the scene I’m writing in the whole scheme of things

And that’s just the thinking time. I also spend hours researching and reading, looking at how other writers write and reading their blogs, and learning new things.

So I guess what I’m saying is don’t berate yourself about lack of words on paper. It’s not a measure of how hard you have worked. Sure it’s something tangible, but if you have spent all day researching and thinking, that’s still working on your story – it’s still an important part of the writing process.

As long as you have allowed yourself to spend time with your characters and their story in your mind, you have still been creating, you have still been working towards that elusive goal; finishing your story.

And to me, thinking time is well worth the effort and can avoid a lot of rewriting in the long run.

I’d love to hear how much time you spend thinking about what you’re writing and whether you have any ways like yoga or listening to music to get your creative juices flowing. Feel free to leave your comments at the end of this post.

Happy writing:)

Dee

P.S. Don’t forget to check out Friday Feedback where writers can 150 words critiqued.

FRIDAY FEEDBACK – VICKI GRIFFIN

Today on Friday Feedback, we thank Vicki Griffin for sharing 150 words from her YA novel.

UGLY-FACED GNOMES mocked and cat-called as she slid down the murky, maggot-infested slime. She had no idea what to expect as she continued her revolting journey through the gruesome tunnel. When she had reached the end, or what she thought was the end, an enormous bug-eyed creature with hairy legs jumped out, grabbed her plaits and started pulling on them at the same time as he squeaked and squealed.

‘Stop that! Stop that right now, you ugly thing!’ She yelled at it trying to get loose. ‘

I beg your pardon? A stern voice echoed behind her. ‘Molly Amelia Pottswaddle you need to standup right now and let the whole class in on the joke!’ Mrs. Snedden demanded, tapping her ruler on the edge of the desk.

‘Crikey, Mrs. Snedden do I have to?’ She stuttered realising she must have dozed off.

MY FEEDBACK

Vicki, this is great. I love the sound of Molly and the humour you have injected into this piece.

I’m not sure exactly where this comes in the story, but I think you could strengthen the ‘dream’ by using more specific description and using the setting as part of the action. You could even use some dialogue.

Here’s what I mean about the description.

With the ugly-faced gnomes, what is ugly about them? Do they have bloodshot eyes, sharp teeth, large noses, bulging eyes, slime coming out of their noses? By giving specific description for the reader, you will give them a more vivid picture.

Also. when the gnomes mock her, you could show it with dialogue.

 For example. “Not so smart now, you revolting child, the gnome glared at her through one bulging eye as she slid past, down the murky, maggot-infested slime.” (You could even mention here the feeling of maggots in her hair and wriggling all over her)

How is Molly feeling about what’s happening to her?

Try to include an emotional response. If you say, “She thought her revolting journey through the gruesome tunnel would never end,” this tells the reader her emotional response to what is happening – that it’s a terrible experience for her and she wants it to be over with.

You could use a simile or metaphor

Give the reader some idea of how enormous this bug-eyed creature is – and is it a spider or something else? How many legs does it have?

Here’s an example of what I mean: “A bug-eyed creature the size of a large hippo grabbed at her plaits with its six hairy legs and pulled them.”

Sounds

Use as many senses as you can to evoke strong images for the reader. Molly could even accidentally swallow some of the slime and you could describe how that feels and tastes.

I think the reader would be interested too in examples of the noises the creature made. What did the squeal sound like for example?

Action

‘Stop that! Stop that right now, you ugly thing!’ She yelled at it trying to get loose. ‘

You could make this a bit more vivid for the reader by showing how Molly tries to get loose. Does she poke the creature in one of its bulging eyes? Does she pull on its hairy leg? By showing her frantic struggle, this creates more tension for the reader.

Also, I’m not sure how old Molly is, but I’m wondering if she might say something like “You ugly creep”, instead of “You ugly thing”. Seeing as this is a YA novel, I’m assuming Molly is in her teens.

How often does Molly have these dreams?

If Molly often has dreams or visions and this is an important part of the story, you can foreshadow this for the reader just by adding the word ‘again’ to the last part of the second paragraph. (eg,  She must have dozed off again.)

Vicki, you have created a great sense of Molly’s character here and interest for the reader. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to know how Molly is going to explain all this to her teacher.

Good luck with this story.

I hope you’ve found these comments helpful, Vicki. If anyone else has constructive feedback for Vicki, please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a 150 word piece you’d like feedback on?

Email it to Dee*At*Deescribe*Dot*Com*Dot*au

Happy writing:)

Dee 

TUESDAY WRITING TIP – FIXING THINGS

My rebuilt kitchen bench

Recently I accidentally poured boiling water on my timber bench top. It buckled and warped and bits of timber fell off. I had to take all the pieces off, glue them down again, sand them, putty the gaps and apply several coats of varnish.

At the time it struck me that this whole process was like a metaphor for what I was going through with my current work in progress.

I have written the first draft of my YA psychological thriller, but at the moment it’s just a series of actions on paper – a plot expanded into 60,000 words. It’s telling a story, but it’s not really showing one – it’s not going to draw the reader into the main character’s world – at least, not yet.

I need to pull my manuscript apart and re-glue it so that the plot is stronger and the conflict is more powerful. I need to fill in the missing bits and to polish it till it shines.

If you read my blog post, 2012 – The Year of Possibilities and Learning, you’ll recall that one of my major goals for this year was to learn  - to hone my writing skills. Writing is a lifelong apprenticeship and I don’t believe you ever stop learning. This was confirmed for me at last year’s LA conference when I saw bestselling authors sitting in on the workshops of other bestselling authors.

Molly goat goes camping

In pursuit of my ‘learning goal’, I started 2012 by doing an Active Setting course with Mary Buckham – and it was amazing. Setting has never been one of my strong points. It has always been something I put in my work to help the reader visualise where they were, but thanks to Mary, I realised that setting has to do so much more.

It has to:

• orient the reader in the story.
• evoke feelings, images and emotions for the reader. In other words, have sensory detail.
• show character
• be part of  the conflict in the story
• how back story
• reflect the main character’s point of view
• show the emotions of the main character in response to conflict and action

I’m feeling so inspired after doing Mary’s course.

With my new understanding of setting, I believe my writing is so much better:)

Scene from Chapter 9 of my WIP



BEFORE


Someone was definitely following me.

After the movies we headed to the Pancake Parlour and ordered our usual short stack and a thick shake.

Next we had a game of chess, another routine instigated by Jess. She  was a whizz at chess, so Steve and I always teamed up against her, but  we still never won. We lived in hope that it might happen one day.

AFTER


As we walked through the darkened street, the half moon flicked a  Hansel and Gretel path through the trees.

A moth fluttered past my ear.  As I shook my head, the rustle of my hair seemed amplified.  My fear caught between the strands. I stopped and the footfalls behind me stopped too. I resisted the urge to glance around.

“Come on.” Jess pulled me towards the Pancake Parlour and we ran  
inside.

As we escaped the cool air, our breath came in dragon bursts, like smoke.
Jess took her usual seat in front of the chess table. Steve and I  
squashed in together on the other side of the wooden booth.

What have you learned recently that’s going to change the way you write?

I’d love you to share with us in the comments section of this post.

FRIDAY FEEDBACK

Don’t forget, if you’d like feedback on 150 words of your manuscript, send it to me, Dee*at*deescribe*dot*com*dot*au For more information, check out Friday Feedback

Happy writing:)

Dee 

 

 

 

FRIDAY FEEDBACK – BEN MARSHALL

Thanks to Ben Marshall who is our first volunteer to send in his work for Friday Feedback. Well done, Ben. I know it’s not easy to send your work ‘out there’ to be critiqued, especially in a public forum.

Ben’s book is a dark YA adventure series set in the near-future. It tells the tale of a tight-knit circus surviving on wit, talent and crime – and how the young hero finds he cares enough about those he loves to fight for them.

BEN’S QUESTION

I’d love to know if this beginning prompts intrigue rather than confusion in the reader.

The Pricking of Thumbs.

Tog looks after the elephants and the car thefts.  Mala and Milosh throw the knives and threaten people.  Spod’s the engineer and terrifies kids with his clown act.  The Fazio family do highwire, acrobatics and burglary.  Madam Tracey tells fortunes, writes up people’s wills to certain other people’s advantage and does the blackmails.  Professore does card tricks, makes poisons, and converts stray normals for the freak show.  I do the murders.

Ben, I love the names of your characters and this paragraph has an intriguing last line and you sound like you have plenty of possibilities for conflict in your story.

There are a lot of interesting elements here, but what you have at the moment is a ‘story about a story’. What I mean here is that you are telling your story rather than showing what happens, allowing the action to unfold for the reader.

I think you have realised instinctively yourself that this start is a bit confusing and that’s because you have introduced so many different characters in the first paragraph and not introduced the main character till the last line.

If this were my story, I would sprinkle these characters throughout the story more. Allow the reader to get to know them through their actions and through things that happen in the plot.

Here’s what I mean.  

Milosh’s knife whistled past the woman’s left ear and landed in the dirt at her feet. “Give me your hand bag,” demanded  Mala, holding out her long slender fingers.

See, here the reader gets to know your characters through their actions and dialogue.

I hate murdering people.  I asked the Patronne for one of the elephants but he said everyone had to do what they’re good at.  I said I’d murder him.  He just laughed and reminded me we all got our place in the Scheme of Things.

Ben, have you thought about starting your story here? “I hate murdering people” is a great opening line. Then instead of saying”I asked Patronne…”, show it.

For example,

“Why can’t I look after the elephants, try something new?”

Patronne sneered as he flicked the rope over the tent pole. “Everyone has to do what they’re good at.” He handed me a gun. “Now go do your thing.”

Ben, can you see how adding some actions and dialogue (getting your characters to talk to each other) draws the reader into the story more?

What I really like about this second paragraph is that your character’s voice is coming through strongly. I’m getting a sense of who your character is and that’s what I need to do early in your story. Right from the start, your character needs to engage the reader.

I don’t like Professore neither.  He converted a lost girl I liked into a Nightingale.  Nightingales is what we call the ones what do music after they been converted.  It’s all they can do.  Lucky they can’t think straight no more….

Once again, Ben, if you show these things happening, it will bring the story to life for your reader.

I hope you’ve found these comments helpful, Ben. If anyone else has constructive feedback for Ben, please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a 150 word piece you’d like feedback on?

Email it to Dee*At*Deescribe*Dot*Com*Dot*au

Happy writing:)

Dee